Conversation Stoppers

Our kids enjoying holiday decorations

Just yesterday I was sitting in a Sunday morning study group. We were talking about how most of us, regardless of age, class or culture, long for deeper conversations.  Most of us want to go deeper with people whether it's family, friends or colleagues at work.  Yet having deeper conversations is so hard.  How do we get past the small talk and talk about things of significance, things that really matter?  Why is it so difficult sometimes?

It came out during the course of our discussion that sharing your personal beliefs can often be an immediate conversation stopper.  Certain words, quotes or calling on a higher authority can end conversations so abruptly.  Why is that?  I mean, if people are really longing to get to know people better, isn't this one of those important ways to do that?  Isn't what I believe and letting you know how I really feel a sign that we're going deeper?  And yet, "going there" often seems to have the exact opposite effect.  Many times it not only stops short a conversation but can even stop short a developing relationship.  How did things get to be this way?  It got us to thinking about a similar effect we've seen happen on the islands.

In our English Club we like to have discussions.  Often we will use a controversial issue to get people really talking.  Usually this works very well.  But often times there is one sort of statement that will bring conversation to a stand still.  At some point someone will say something along the lines of, 'In our book it says...' and at that point conversation stops.  You see, islanders are taught never to question their book, never to argue about such things.  To do so is to question the integrity and authority of their book.  This is not to be done.  Thus, to bring in a higher authority is to end discussion.

Decorating Christmas cookies!

We'll, it occurred to me that a very similar outcome might occur in a classroom or personal conversation in America.  Bringing in a higher authority is a great way to make the room fall silent.  But the striking and ironic thing is that it is most likely for nearly the opposite reason as on the islands!  Here in America, we are so concerned with not offending and letting each persons' beliefs stand unopposed, I fear we’ve lost the ability to discuss these issues. So people feel they cannot openly respond to someone who has made reference to a higher authority.  To do so might question their belief system and since all belief systems must be tolerated, the result is silence.  Interestingly enough, on the islands, it is the assumption that no other belief system can be tolerated that results in silence.  So one belief system or many belief systems, the result can be the same - conversation crushing silence.

Yet, just as on the islands many people long to have deeper conversations.  So it strikes me that just like in our English club, if we want to have deep and stimulating conversations, we have to be careful about how we speak.  We want conversation to flow, relationships to deepen. We don’t want immediate walls and silence. So if directly quoting higher authorities doesn't stimulate conversation, maybe we should avoid it until we’ve developed more trust and openness.  But what about when a higher authority really does have something to add to the conversation?  Is that wrong to bring it in?  Certainly not, but maybe our approach has to be more thoughtful.  Rather than saying, "our book says..." maybe we need to use gentler phrases like, "I read recently that..." or " have you ever heard it said…”, or we can tell a story or give an illustration from daily life.  This might allow everyone to interact with an idea in a way that can be heard. And in that way the conversations can continue…

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We’re thankful that teammate seems to be settling back in on Clove Island well and she just found a house to rent! We were able to peck away at our to-do list. 
It is looking less and less like Megan will have surgery at this time.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Megan has an appointment tomorrow to get an injection in her spine—pray that this continues to  aid her improvement. We have a little over a week in MA before we travel again. Pray that we continue to use our time well. We’re trying to get all the paperwork done so we can be fully cleared to return to the islands. Pray that we can cross all our t’s and dot all our i’s appropriately. We pray for our friends on the islands that the holiday season will give them lots of chances to have deep conversations and relationships.