Peacemaking

In front of our house

Ma Imani works for us but she is also a good friend and a sister to us. When she arrived at our house a couple weeks ago, I was surprised. I didn’t expect to see her that day.

“Hi. How are things?” I asked.
“Not good. I need to talk to you.”

We went into the living room and sat down together. It wasn’t long before she was in tears and telling me her troubles. Her family was in disarray. Family troubles had been brought to the government-level and the family was being torn apart.

“I don’t understand it at all. I was living peacefully with my mom and these sisters just the day before. They didn’t say anything and then suddenly we’re taken before the government like criminals!” 

We prayed. She explained that I wouldn’t see her for the next few days as she had to report to the police and then the courts, so I said goodbye with a heavy heart.

First time to beach in 4 months!

At this point I began to wonder… do I have a role to play in this? I didn’t want to get involved necessarily but I was friendly with the mother and the sisters involved. Should I try to talk to them? But after a little thought and prayer I decided I would wait. I wasn’t appropriate for me to be involved at a legal, governmental level and perhaps it would be good for the dust to settle a little.

A few days later, Ma Imani was back. Things were still bad. She had some idea of why all the things were happening but she couldn’t be sure.  Husbands and husbands’ families had gotten involved and complicated things. There had been more fighting and  Ma Imani was being blocked at every turn from sitting down and talking to her mom. Suddenly there was a clear way to help…

“Should I go and find your mom and tell her you want to meet? I can meet with you both.”

I’m not sure if she was secretly hoping I would offer this very thing, but in any case, she readily accepted. She showed me the way to the house where her mom was staying but she would not go with me to the house. I went alone, not knowing what kind of reception I would receive.  Thankfully I was received with smiles. I heard their whole side of the story and told part of Ma Imani’s side. Eventually I told her mother that Ma Imani wanted to speak and her mom expressed her willingness.

Tom on birthday with kids

So we took chairs out to the road (neutral territory) and they talked. I made sure they listened to each other and asked them to understand the other’s perceptions. Sometimes I struggled to say what I wanted to say in the local language and sometimes I felt like an annoying broken record, but it seemed to go well. Mediators are culturally appropriate here and they accepted my interference as a good thing.  Ma Imani and her mother both thanked me at the end. Ma Imani told me she now understood her mother’s thinking and could try to explain it to her siblings on the other side of this feud.

“Now you just need to forgive and start talking to your sisters too,” I said as we parted.
“One day, but not yet…” was Ma Imani’s reply.

So we continue to pray for peace in this family and in so many families on the islands.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Thank you for praying. Tom’s ear is doing better and we had a very restful day off yesterday (our first restful day in a long time). Tom is 36 years old today! We are very thankful to have such a wonderful husband and father. It has been exciting to see him take on the role of team leader this year and to see God work through him for good.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
A legal solution has been found to an issue at the heart of Ma Imani’s family feud but it doesn’t mean relationships are healed. Please pray for real reconciliation and forgiveness and for the truth to reign in that family. 

You're Not A Guest!

Food prep

There is more than one way to honor someone. Honor is an important thing on the islands. Especially at big events it is very important that the “important” people get special notice. Being foreigners we are almost always considered “important”. So even though the people of the event might not know us at all, we will be given special seats and a necklace of flowers.

The women often make a big deal of putting the flower necklace over your neck. They dance up to you holding out the necklace and then put it over your head and give you a kiss on each cheek.

Guests are always honored. So when someone comes from abroad and assuming they have had enough warning, islanders will gather the necessary flowers, make a necklace and meet them at the airport. Then again at any and every event, the guests will be singled out with another flower necklace.

Grace in front of wedding presents

As foreigners living here, it has often felt that we are permanent guests. In some ways this is nice. They are honoring us- we should appreciate it. But sometimes we wish we could choose our own seats. Sometimes we wish we could sit in the back and just watch. Sometimes we wish they’d give the flower necklace to someone else. (I just checked and I have 5 dried out flower necklace in my house right now from different events and it isn’t even wedding season!)

This past week our landlady had her daughter’s wedding. They were only doing the “simple” single-day event but they were doing it big. The groom is from the rich French island and there was pressure to make it sufficiently extravagant for the future in-laws. Plus they had to host over 50 guests from this other island for the days surrounding the wedding. Weeks ahead a time their house was a bustle of activity. We were busy ourselves so I hadn’t been downstairs for more than brief greetings.

“I haven’t seen you!” my landlady complained. She had seen me, but this was my cue to come and visit, so I went downstairs once the kids were napping. They were preparing one of the snacks that would be given to the guests. I sat and watched for awhile. Then my landlady came and started peeling ginger root and told me to get a knife and help. I stayed for awhile and watched a collection of friends and neighbors come by. They came for varying amounts of time but if they were physically able they would do some work before they left, even just a token amount. Now I was keyed into what I needed to do-- I needed to show solidarity by coming and working a little each day.

Welcoming party for the guests

Over the week it was clear that some people were more invested than others. Some came for long periods each day. Finally the guests arrived. A table was set, our chairs were borrowed and the guests were being seated for their first meal. Our landlady’s husband called me over, “Please madam, have a seat!” But then a woman who was helping said with a big smile, “No, no, you’re not a guest! You eat with us!” I didn’t have time to eat with anyone at the moment so I made my apologies.

It happened a couple more times over the coming days. “You’re not a guest!” was repeated to me as I was included not as someone special, but as an equal. At first glance it might be seen as a slight, but I recognized it for what it was-- a different type of honor. They were honoring me not by singling out, but by treating me as part of the group-- what greater honor could a foreigner have.

Last night was the grande finale-- the big event. And for the first time in all the weddings I’ve been to on Clove Island, I didn’t receive a flower necklace. I couldn’t be happier.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
It is a blessing to belong. The wedding seemed to go well. It looks like the shortages are over! Different types of meat are back and people are happy again.  Our team is receiving two visitors from Brazil this week!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
The family of our good friend, Ma Imani, is in turmoil. Many of the 6 sisters know the good news. It is a situation pitting family members against each other and now the government and other families are involved. It is a big mess. Megan played mediator to get Ma Imani on talking terms with her mother again and we are praying that Ma Imani can be a reconciler within her family. Pray for healing, understanding and forgiveness throughout the family. Pray for us-- we’ve been very tired lately and can’t seem to find the times to relax and recharge. Tom has an ear infection, pray for healing. Pray that we would get some rest.

Men

Tom and some island men

There are so many things we like about islanders.  They are so friendly, so willing to help, so ready to share with you whatever you have.  Their generosity often puts us to shame.  They are quick to smile and laugh.  They are, for the most part, caring toward their children and include them in life.  They are so welcoming to us and so willing to help us understand their culture and to invite us into their ceremonies and traditions.

But as beautiful as some parts of island culture are, there are other parts that are dark.  Very dark.  And sometimes this darkness will manifest itself and our awareness becomes heightened about a particular problem.  It happened this past week concerning men.

A colleague brought a friend by the house.  He said he was a good guy, and he seemed nice enough, until he started hitting on our good friend and house helper, a married woman.  We have often felt relief at the fact that unlike other parts of the world, men here will not touch or violate a woman walking down the street, in a taxi or other public place. But there is a lot that can be said with body language, and a look in the eye.  A form of dominance and desire that is disturbing and destructive.  I (Tom) saw it happen and ushered the man from the room (almost pulled him) where our friend was working, knowing that tis is something she must deal with on a regular basis.

Island men at an all-men's event

I saw that same look again a week later.  One of our teammates had come to join in a discussion.  A man I see regularly (but not in a context with women) was part of the discussion, but everything about his body language and look revealed that same sort of darkness.

Our single ladies often complain about the daily struggle they face in being approached by island men asking to marry them.  What seems like something unfortunate and kind of funny is actually quite serious.  Often these proposals happen suddenly and without warning, sometimes they are persistent and include lecherous staring and rude behavior.  Imagine how draining and disheartening this is for them--everyday. 

Unprompted, a friend told Megan all about “how men are” here this week.  She told her the story of when, as a middle school student, she couldn’t pay her school fees.  The director said, that it wasn’t a problem and that she should continue to come to school.  She found out that the director would use this as an excuse for girls to be “called to his office.”  She stopped going to school, and this bright woman never had any more schooling.  Think of all the young women who have had to make decisions like this.

In Megan’s English class this week, they were discussing the most important characteristic in a spouse. One woman spoke up and said she wanted a husband who is faithful. All the men in the class burst into laughter. “It doesn’t exist!,” one man explained to me. “Good luck!” was the sarcastic jeer of another male student.

Worst of all, we were told this week that two men have been put in jail.  They took two young girls from the street, a 3-year old and a 7 year old and violated them.  This is considered extremely bad behavior even by island standards.  Yet, no one is sure if these men will be greatly punished.  It all depends on the power of their family versus the family of the victims. Perhaps they will stay in jail a couple weeks.

What is going on with the men in all these stories?  I think they are revealing--acting out their worldview.  Women, to them are something to be caught and used.  They show little respect for them, they care little about their feelings.  They assume that women are looking for their attention and want it.  They believe that as men, it is only natural for them to have such desires and act on them.  Self-control is impossible and women help satisfy burning desires.  They do not understand women, and they don’t try.  They live in separate worlds.  These are roaming men who settle for a time with a woman because marriage is highly valued by both sexes.

But even here, there are men who are different.  Men who love their wives and are faithful.  But they are not the majority.  In fact, I think they are counter-cultural.

Why do we share this with you?  We desire to see families restored.  We believe it is key to seeing islanders and the islands transformed.  And yet, families, as we know them barely exist, and this is one of the major barriers.  The worldview needs to change.

David and a very young island man

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We had a wonderful visit with our bosses.  It was great to be encouraged by them.  They are back safe on the little island.  Our friends and teammates Nate & Liana traveled to South Africa this past week for the birth of their baby.  We are happy that they landed safely and are settling in well.  We are especially thankful for a vehicle that has been loaned to them to get around while they are there.  The first class of Tom’s teacher training program went well.  The teachers seemed to really appreciate the time and are looking forward to the next meeting this week.  Megan has started regular weekly times of studying the book with a good island friend!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Pray for change!  That light would penetrate the darkness and the darkness would flee.  Pray for self-control and repentance on the part of men here.  Pray for the cultural norms and traditions that perpetuate the darkness to stop.  Pray for the strength, wisdom, and endurance of our single ladies.  Pray for all the women of the islands.  Pray for families.  On another note, though rice and flour have come back to our island, we are now running short on meat: no chicken and beef.  No one is starving here or close to starving, but everyone is complaining that they can’t find the food they are used to having.

Who Is This Man?

Clove Island coast in our neighborhood

I made friends with a young man.  We’ll call him Elevu.  He started coming by to practice his English.  He’s a smart kid.  He comes from a poor family and he’s gotten into the premier school of Clove Island and he’s doing well.  Many of the hopes and dreams of his family rest on him.  But he is also a deep thinker and a poet.  Long before meeting me, he seems to have been on a search for truth.

“I have a good friend…” Elevu tells me.  This friend of his likes to discuss deep subjects.  He likes to read widely.  Without any suggestion on my part, he soon asks me if I have one of our special books for him to read.  I gave him some instruction on where to start, and he took it home with him.

The other day Elevu came by the house.  “I have a question.”  he said.  “I was reading the story where your prophet says ‘Your sins are forgiven.‘  How can he say that?  How can a man forgive sins?”

“Excellent question,” I told him.  Then I told him the story of the paralyzed man who was brought before the teacher. 

“Which is easier to say: ‘your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘get up and walk’?  Both so you may know that the son of man has authority to do these things…”  and the man got up, took his mat, and went out rejoicing.

“Everyone there was asking the same question you are asking: ‘Who is this man?’”  I said to him, “And that question is maybe the most important question of all.  But I can’t tell you the answer.  You must discover it on your own.”

Elevu left a bit confused and a bit excited.  I thought about it afterwards.  Should I have said something different?  Should I have told him the answer?  But no.  I feel peace about it.  Could it be that sometimes, in our rush to guide people to share in our great treasure we forget to allow them the thrill of discovery?  Isn’t the treasure hard fought for greater than the one placed at your feet?  And can I really answer his question anyway?

Our 2 yr old in front of his new "big boy" bed

Who is this man?  It’s a huge question worth asking ourselves every day of our lives.  And every day holds new secrets to be discovered!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We have some visitors with us (some of our bosses).  It’s been great to talk with them and be encouraged by their wisdom and experience. Flour is back on the island, just in time for Megan to bake for our visitors.  Peter is all better and we’re all in good health.  Our friend Ma Imani is feeling better too.  Our work to clarify our vision and focus has been going well, but we still have a ways to go.

PRAYERS REQUESTED 
Pray for my friend Elevu and others like him.  That they would ask the right questions and have the joy of discovering the answers!  This is a holiday weekend on the islands- pray that it would lead to good conversations.  Pray for us in the midst of this team building process.  Pray that this would help give our team direction.  Pray for great trust in one another, unity and consensus.   Pray for lots of good visits for our bosses and safe travels back to their home tomorrow.  Tom is starting a new English teacher training program this week.  Pray that it would get off to a good start.