We Don't Agree

The search for fall color--red

“Ahhh!” our son screams in frustration, “I did not!” He is on the brink of hitting his sister. She has said something that he believes is false. I intervene before it gets ugly. His sister leaves and I try to convince him to settle down and let it go. This is a silly thing to get so upset about. But something about the injustice or disrespect related to this falsehood completely infuriates him. A simple disagreement had become a battle.

We often are in contact with people we don’t agree with. Sometimes it is superficial disagreement, more a matter of style or personality or culture. Sometimes we get along really well with a person at the style/personality/culture level but have foundational differences in core beliefs, values, goals.

Going to the islands there are so many ways that we differ from islanders. Difference is not always a source of disagreement. Someone does something differently and perhaps I think their way is equally valid and good. No disagreement. Islanders eat with their hands a lot of the time and while it takes some getting used to— I now feel like eating with hands is just as good if not better in many situations.

But as soon as I feel that my way is actually the better way, we have disagreement. Islanders often don’t supervise their children. Many island children are allowed to eat all the junk food they can get and go to sleep whenever they want. I’ve lived on the islands a long time but I’m still feel my way of parenting is better. I disagree.

Every source of disagreement is a potential battle, but we don’t have to fight every battle. I could confront my neighbors and lecture them about parenting choices, but ultimately that is not the battle I want to fight or a battle that would be very effective. Instead I try to model a different way and only step in if I feel like a child is in danger.

Yellow!

Parenting is a way that we disagree with islanders, but a more interesting question for us is, where do islanders disagree with us? Islanders don’t have much exposure to other cultures and are pretty ethnocentric (a natural tendency). They believe that their way is the best way or even the only good way. So whether it is how you cut a tomato or how you hold a baby or when you go to the market, islanders often have strong opinions and they will fight you on it. They will tell you to your face that your way is wrong and tell you to change.

Sometimes battles end with people agreeing to disagree or just avoiding the topic in the future. Other times it ends with someone changing their way of thinking or behavior. But whenever there is a battle of ideas or wills, there are always risks. Risks that it could end with a damaged relationship, with a loss of trust or a loss of respect. Now we obviously hope that any disagreement we have will end well and we work hard to maintain trust and respect in disagreement but relationships are two-way streets and there is only so much we can control.

Battles also take energy, which is a limited resource. So ultimately we want to be careful about picking our battles. Islanders are often willing to fight battles with us that we don’t care much about. But we do have other areas of disagreement that we care about very much. Do we really want the battles to be about food or clothes or something superficial? Do we want something that we don’t care about to risk distancing us from islanders? The answer is no. If islanders want to have a full out battle with us, we’d like it to be about something that matters. Because we don’t really want islanders to dress like us or eat like us or cook like us. We don’t care if they hold babies the way we do or go to the market at the same time. If we are going to be catalysts for change, we want it to be about deeper issues, issues of the heart, faith and truth.

So on the islands we choose to live like islanders in many ways— not always because we think it is the best way.  In certain ways we intentionally choose to live differently.  Where we stand out as different we want it to be for the right reasons, for the issues that we actually care about. If we have a disagreement about something and there is a possibility of changing an islander’s thinking, we’d like it to be about something that matters.

First leaf pile of the season

Being back in the States we see how much we take for granted here because we feel so comfortable in our home culture, but really, we should apply the same scrutiny to our lives here as on the islands.  There are just as many differences and disagreements to have with people here as there.  Shouldn’t we be just as intentional here as we are there?  With so much to disagree about, don’t we want to expend our energy on what really matters?  Do we ask ourselves, “Is this really what I want to be arguing about? Is this battle worth it? What are the things really worth talking about? In the end, what really matters?

PRAYERS ANSWERED
One of the sisters on the islands had a baby girl this past week. We were praying for this pregnancy and rejoice with them. She went to another island to have the baby so we pray that she will be reunited with her husband soon. Megan’s left leg showed improved strength on her follow-up visit so she was cleared to begin PT. She has had two sessions already and we are thankful that she is already noticing some improvement. Even though she may have continued pain in the coming weeks, she is thankful to have stretches and exercises to do to relieve the pain.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
We leave tomorrow morning on our roadtrip. Pray for safety on the road and that Megan’s back and the kids will do well. (Megan will spend most of the trip fully reclined with the kids playing with her hair!) We will be meeting with a prospective teammate, old teammates, old friends and one large supporting body on the trip. Pray for good interactions all around.