Engagement Ceremony

We’ve lived on Clove Island for over 3 years and over 2 years before that on Volcano Island, and yet there is still so much to learn.  Some days ago I had just such an experience.  It all started when a friend of mine told me he was getting engaged.  We had a nice conversation about engagements and marriage.  Engagements sometimes last a long time on the islands as people gather enough money to marry.  Marriages often don’t last a long time. So it was a chance to speak some wisdom about what makes a strong marriage.  A few days later he asked if I could come meet his fiancée and he set a time for the meeting.

Now here’s where I have some proof that I have some degree of cultural knowledge.  The fact that he was making a specific rendezvous time was a red flag.  People don’t usually do things like that for just a visit.  So I had an inkling that I might be in store for something a little more than a meet and greet.  I was thinking maybe I was going to meet her family—that would be natural enough.

As the time approached for the rendezvous, I made my second culturally appropriate move.  I put on nicer clothes.  Nicer clothes are a sign of respect and by wearing nice clothes you honor whoever it is you are going to visit.  But, like everywhere, there is the question of “How nice?”  There is always the possibility of being over-dressed.  I put on a nice button down shirt and my “nice” sandals and headed out.  Turns out I was right on with my attire! Nice!

Tom & engaged friend

As I arrive at the house I start to realize that I’m in uncharted waters.  They escort me into a room where his fiancée is sitting on a bed, her back against the headboard and her legs out straight in front of her on the bed.  She is formally dressed and covered by a shawl.  She makes no eye contact or greeting and I am quickly ushered to a chair.  Other men walk in, including my friend and sit down until there are about eight of us, formally sitting in chairs, the “bride” faces away from us on the bed and is completely ignored.  Women stand outside and look through the windows.  Someone is standing in the corner recording it all on video.  At this point I’m wondering what I’m in for.  Clearly this is some kind of formal ceremony.  How long will it go on?  Will I have any responsibilities?

I am introduced to the men.  They are uncles, cousins and fathers of the two fiancés.  Then uncles and fathers makes speeches.  They talk about marriage.  The speeches seem a bit strange to me.  After the normal round of formal thank-you’s, each man seems to give his opinion about marriage.  It’s mostly negative:  “Parents don’t have much say any more.  People choose who they want.  Maybe that’s better because there’s so much cheating and divorce.  Hopefully they’ll be true to one another.”  Is this supposed to be inspiring?  Then they prayed a blessing upon the meeting, I put my hands out palms up and respond with Amen to the parts that I understand and agree with: “God bless them, give them children, give them a good life together, etc.  For parts in Arabic I remain silent.  I don’t think anyone notices either way, but I do.  I say a silent little prayer for them myself while I’m at it.  And then it’s over.  They bring around some sweet coffee and dates.  I get my little bag of goodies (an essential part of all ceremonies).  And before I know it, my friend is ushering me out and thanking me for coming.

“Well that was new and strange,” I thought to myself as I walked home under a starry sky.  There was no electricity so the stars were magnificent (we regularly see the Milky Way here—do you?).  Then I got to thinking.  I missed it.  I bet you anything it would have been right and proper for me to make a speech at that ceremony.  I could have said something truthful and uplifting about marriage.  I could have shared with them what a marriage is really all about.  All sorts of phrases in the island language I could have used started to come to mind.  “How could I say, ‘And the two become one’?” I thought to myself.  A golden opportunity and I missed it.  Instead I was just white man eye candy—invited to add prestige to my friend’s reputation. I’m happy to do this for him, even if it is does feel a little bit ridiculous, but I could have done something more with it.  It just never occurred to me.  I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on and thinking about the bride sitting on the bed and saying nothing.  Well, maybe next time I’ll be able to make the most of the opportunity…

Our big 8 year old

PRAYERS ANSWERED
The following English club our recently engaged friend started a discussion about marriage— so we had that second chance to say all the things we wanted to about marriage! We are thankful for all the mothers in our lives (Happy Mothers’ Day!). We are thankful for our beautiful daughter, who turned 8 years old yesterday! We are so proud of her. We were able to get a second opinion that confirmed the initial conclusions about our youngest hearing issues— we are thankful for our friends and family in the medical world who can help us with good advice at these times. 


PRAYERS REQUESTED
We’re trying to navigate the waters of health insurance as we figure out the best plan for getting our youngest the minor surgery he needs. Pray for us that the choice would be clear and that logistics would come together. The worker with medical issues returned to Europe with her husband— we’re still waiting to hear how serious her condition is and whether they would return to the islands. The election results were not completely announced— it was decided that 14 voting stations on our island have to revote (after their results were annulled). So the governor for our island and the president for all the islands is still undecided and people are still suspicious of corruption and tampering with the electoral process. The revote is supposed to be sometime this week with results being announced immediately— people on the islands are still tense, continue to pray for peace. One of our island sisters has been confronted by a delegation of extended family members and threatened with different forms of ostracization. Pray for her as she seeks to love and also that she could find some time for rest and peace in this stressful situation. Our son just came down with a fever, pray for his quick recovery.