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| Part of our neighbors' family |
I’ve found there are times when I have apologized for something of a semi-serious nature and instead of accepting my apology my island friends will start to make excuses for me. As if to say, “No Tom, you aren’t really sorry. Really you would have done the right thing if circumstances were different.”
“No,” I say, “I blew it. What I did wasn’t right. I’m sorry.”
“No” they come back, “no, no, no I’m sure it’s someone else’s fault.”
What’s going on here? Why won’t they accept my apology?
The answer is shame. In island eyes admitting wrong means accepting shame, so to apologize is to “see shame” as they say. So by turning down my apology they are actually trying to honor me. And right there our worlds clash. I value reconciliation and truth over honor and shame, but Islanders will hide shame at nearly all cost—certainly over truth.
Strangely enough we had a double dose of this covering shame reaction this week. The first was when our landlady came to us on Saturday morning.
“Today is the ceremony for my brother’s death,” she told us. As is our normal habit we got all the details. When, where, what time, Megan, Tom or both? So she told us, “Today at noon. You should both go.” So at noon off we both went. Yet when we arrived the house was empty. We met with the widow who kindly informed us that the ceremony was tomorrow. So after a short visit we left. That afternoon I saw our landlady.
“You told us today,” I said, in a warm, friendly manner.
“No I didn’t. I said tomorrow. Your language really isn’t very good. Ha ha ha.”
Could I have gotten it wrong? Could both of us have gotten it wrong? No—we checked with our house helper who overheard. she confirmed it. Our landlady had messed up the day and then denied it. Better to blame our language skills than to say you’re sorry.
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| Our older two exploring |
Well that was annoying enough, but when it happened again two days later, I was really starting to feel misused.
“So are you ready to start the course on Monday,” said one of the English class administrators over the phone.
“You told me we would start in two weeks.”
“No I didn’t. You must have misunderstood.” Meanwhile I’m looking at my calendar and distinctly recalling the conversation about starting on the 21st—in two weeks. Now should I argue with him? It doesn’t really matter to me whether we start this week or next week. Should I hold him over the flames on principle? Make him admit that he got it wrong? I could probably make up some excuse why I couldn’t start this week and that we had agreed to start on the 21st—that would teach him…
“Okay,” I said. “We’ll start Monday.” Shame covered.
PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our kids started island school again and the first days back went smoothly. We are particularly thankful that our son (who was nervous) came home excited about his teachers and new class. Thanks for praying. Ndrolo had some good conversations with one of our teammates and has less pain (though she still plans to travel to the French island soon). A colleague from a neighboring island came for a visit to our island. It was good to hear from her and know how we can be praying for the work on our neighbor island.
PRAYERS REQUESTED
We’ve met a new sister from another island nation. She has been quickly embraced by the island group. She just learned that her 8 year old son died of cancer in France. Pray that she could find love, support and comfort from her new “family” here. Our team family that is leaving flies out tomorrow. Pray for smooth travels for them with their two little ones. We have a visitor coming this week to get ideas for the team they will be leading soon, pray for a good visit full of mutual encouragement. It has been incredibly windy and dusty lately— pray for some rain to calm down the dust or less wind so the air quality can improve.
