Shock Moments

Decorating Christmas cookies!

People often ask us if we ever experience reverse culture shock, that is the feeling that comes from living in another culture and then returning to your own culture and finding your home culture strange or distressing.  The obvious answer is yes.  Especially on our first return to American culture, we can both tell stories about distressing, difficult or funny moments of being back.  But the good thing is, these things lessen over time and become less pronounced as we learn to expect them.  But every now and then you can still have a moment.  We’ve had a few of these moments in the last month and thought it might be enlightening to share them as the year draws to a close.

It happened while we were standing in line for a hay ride.  Families were huddled together along a windy street in a loose line waiting for the next horse drawn wagon to arrive, and I felt uncomfortable, even stressed because the line was so loose.  I mean, there were big, gaping holes between one set of people and the next.  Anyone could have slipped in there, you could have fit a couple of families in between and yet no one seemed bothered by it.  No one was moving to tighten things up.  Suddenly it hit me: this was reverse culture shock.  You see, on the islands, people don’t really do lines.  It’s more of a funneling technique with not even a  hint of personal space, and the pushiest people win the front.  If you aren’t almost or actually touching the person in front of you then someone will move in..I had grown so used to this type of line, that a loose line was distressing to me.

On a side note, I’ve noticed my kids don’t have good American line sense either.  Most of the time they appear to be rubbing up against the people in front of them, like the Artful Dodger trying to pick pockets.  They just have a different line sense.

The other moment happened a few days before Christmas.  We were out in the yard playing soccer (did I mention we’re in California right now?)  When one of us kicked the ball over the fence into the neighbors’ yard.  So my son and I went next door to ask the neighbors for the ball back.  We rang the doorbell.  No response.  We rang again.  Still no response, but I could see the television on, so we rang a third time.  Finally a response. 
“Can I help you?”  Came a friendly woman’s voice over the intercom. 
“Yeah, we’re from next door.  We were playing soccer and sent a ball over the fence into your yard.”
“Oh, okay.  No problem we’ll throw it over. Um, which house would that be.”
“We’re at [so and so’s] house.”
“Oh…so, if I were facing the street would that be the house to the right or left?”
“Um, the right.”
“Okay, no problem.”
“Thank you.”

Christmas morning fun!

We went back home and sure enough a moment later the ball came over the fence.  “Thank you!”  we called out.  “You’re welcome.” a young voice responded.
Now you may not notice anything strange about this interaction, but it left me feeling very funny.  You see, there was never actually any human contact.  I never saw the neighbor’s face.  I didn’t get over the threshold of the door, it felt strangely impersonal, isolating and lonely.  On the islands this situation would probably have played out quite differently.  We would have been invited into the house.  My son would have been sent to the back yard to search for the ball himself while the neighbor and I chatted.  I may not have been able to leave without a snack or drink.  My son may have found some of their kids to play with and the whole incident would have been an opportunity to get to know my neighbor better.

Culture shock is good in one sense.  It makes us more in tune to differences in culture.  Sometimes these differences are benign but sometimes they may point to strengths and weaknesses in different cultures.  Perhaps loose lines give a clue to a certain level of trust and fairness in society?  Could an intercom interaction with a neighbor reveal an unhealthy level of isolation in society?

Cultural and societal change often is slow but maybe this Christmas time, or for a New Year’s resolution we can make a special effort to combat this weakness in our society and break down the isolation around us that perhaps we don’t even realize we live with.

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We made it safely to California with all our luggage. We had a wonderful Christmas celebrating with family and also enjoyed the chance to reconnect with extended family! We have had news of different people interested in our team and have been able to communicate with them— we’re trusting that God is gathering the right people with His right timing.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
We’ve had some Christmas colds— pray for quick recoveries and that the germs won’t spread to anyone new. Even though our teammate on Clove Island got her visa easily, our organization leader on the smaller Vanilla Island still hasn’t be given the signature he needs to get the visas for his team. It has escalated to the point where the government is demanding that he sign a letter limiting how our group speaks with islanders, something we’re not willing to accept. Pray for continued wisdom, perseverance and favor for our leader and the entire group. Pray for increased communication and freedom on the islands in general.

Grateful

Family carol singing around the piano

It’s that time of year!  The time of year of Christmas Cantatas, holiday concerts and Christmas Pageants. Schools put on their orchestra, band and choir concerts, there is usually a rendition of “A Christmas Carol” at the local theater and somewhere, almost certainly, the Nutcracker is being performed.  Now some people may love it each and every year and can’t wait to see this year’s rendition of “Little Drummer Boy.” (Side note: nice job on that one, brother-in-law.) But for many others, it’s easy to feel the “been there, done that” emotion as yet another choir sings “O Come, Let Us Adore Him.”

For those of you feeling that way, we want to help you appreciate things again by giving you a bit of our kids’ perspective: Growing up on the islands, none of them can remember ever seeing a Christmas concert or an orchestra.  For them it is all a new experience.  Sure, we sing Christmas songs, so our kids know the words, but they’ve never sung them with a congregation of hundreds before.  On Sunday our children watched as kids only a bit older than them sang and played instruments along side the adult choir.  But when we began to sing “Joy to the World” our son jumped in with gusto!  Our daughter just went to a cousin’s choir concert and sat enthralled as they sang, probably imagining what it would be like to be a part of a large choir singing songs in English and with harmonies.

One last snow before we go to CA

For us adults we have the bitter sweet feeling of enjoying traditions we have not experienced in years and knowing it will probably be a few years before we might experience them again.  We imagine our kids being able to enjoy and participate in these experiences from year to year and remember some of the privileges we have given up for the great privilege of serving on the islands.  But we find ourselves being extra grateful for what we have now.  And really, what a special thing a Christmas concert or a nativity play is, when you think about other parts of the world who have never heard the story of Christmas, who will not be celebrating in the coming week, and have nothing to be especially thankful for on that particular day.  So we are very grateful and we hope that it will inspire you to be thankful too as you remember, appreciate and sing “Silent Night” by candle light.  We hope you will think of this great blessings and be filled with joy.

P.S. This blog was partially inspired by “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever” by Barbara Robinson.  It’s another great reminder to be grateful this time of year.  If you’ve never read it, you’re in for a treat!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our teammate found a house to rent on Clove Island! We’ve seen pictures and it looks like a good one. Megan had her spine injection— no complications, but still waiting to see if it is really helping that much. We had wonderful opportunities to celebrate with old friends and family this past week. What a blessing! We received the kids’ new passports in the mail— one more thing off the checklist! We have submitted our paperwork to get official clearance for our return to the islands— hopefully we did it everything correctly!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
We leave on Wednesday for California— pray that our flights and connections go well— that Megan’s back and the kids do well with the travel. We haven’t done much planning for our time in CA, pray that we would have the opportunities to connect with everyone there and that we’d use that time wisely. Pray for our kids as we start to talk more about our return to the islands— that we would do a good job of preparing them for the transitions ahead. Pray for all our island friends that are celebrating this coming week— that they would be a bright light on the islands and that the message of hope, truth and love would be heard by many.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Conversation Stoppers

Our kids enjoying holiday decorations

Just yesterday I was sitting in a Sunday morning study group. We were talking about how most of us, regardless of age, class or culture, long for deeper conversations.  Most of us want to go deeper with people whether it's family, friends or colleagues at work.  Yet having deeper conversations is so hard.  How do we get past the small talk and talk about things of significance, things that really matter?  Why is it so difficult sometimes?

It came out during the course of our discussion that sharing your personal beliefs can often be an immediate conversation stopper.  Certain words, quotes or calling on a higher authority can end conversations so abruptly.  Why is that?  I mean, if people are really longing to get to know people better, isn't this one of those important ways to do that?  Isn't what I believe and letting you know how I really feel a sign that we're going deeper?  And yet, "going there" often seems to have the exact opposite effect.  Many times it not only stops short a conversation but can even stop short a developing relationship.  How did things get to be this way?  It got us to thinking about a similar effect we've seen happen on the islands.

In our English Club we like to have discussions.  Often we will use a controversial issue to get people really talking.  Usually this works very well.  But often times there is one sort of statement that will bring conversation to a stand still.  At some point someone will say something along the lines of, 'In our book it says...' and at that point conversation stops.  You see, islanders are taught never to question their book, never to argue about such things.  To do so is to question the integrity and authority of their book.  This is not to be done.  Thus, to bring in a higher authority is to end discussion.

Decorating Christmas cookies!

We'll, it occurred to me that a very similar outcome might occur in a classroom or personal conversation in America.  Bringing in a higher authority is a great way to make the room fall silent.  But the striking and ironic thing is that it is most likely for nearly the opposite reason as on the islands!  Here in America, we are so concerned with not offending and letting each persons' beliefs stand unopposed, I fear we’ve lost the ability to discuss these issues. So people feel they cannot openly respond to someone who has made reference to a higher authority.  To do so might question their belief system and since all belief systems must be tolerated, the result is silence.  Interestingly enough, on the islands, it is the assumption that no other belief system can be tolerated that results in silence.  So one belief system or many belief systems, the result can be the same - conversation crushing silence.

Yet, just as on the islands many people long to have deeper conversations.  So it strikes me that just like in our English club, if we want to have deep and stimulating conversations, we have to be careful about how we speak.  We want conversation to flow, relationships to deepen. We don’t want immediate walls and silence. So if directly quoting higher authorities doesn't stimulate conversation, maybe we should avoid it until we’ve developed more trust and openness.  But what about when a higher authority really does have something to add to the conversation?  Is that wrong to bring it in?  Certainly not, but maybe our approach has to be more thoughtful.  Rather than saying, "our book says..." maybe we need to use gentler phrases like, "I read recently that..." or " have you ever heard it said…”, or we can tell a story or give an illustration from daily life.  This might allow everyone to interact with an idea in a way that can be heard. And in that way the conversations can continue…

PRAYERS ANSWERED
We’re thankful that teammate seems to be settling back in on Clove Island well and she just found a house to rent! We were able to peck away at our to-do list. 
It is looking less and less like Megan will have surgery at this time.

PRAYERS REQUESTED
Megan has an appointment tomorrow to get an injection in her spine—pray that this continues to  aid her improvement. We have a little over a week in MA before we travel again. Pray that we continue to use our time well. We’re trying to get all the paperwork done so we can be fully cleared to return to the islands. Pray that we can cross all our t’s and dot all our i’s appropriately. We pray for our friends on the islands that the holiday season will give them lots of chances to have deep conversations and relationships.

Not That Much Changes

13 years ago on a bridge in VT

I was 19 years old teaching a little girl to swim at a summer camp on a lake in Maine. The water was too deep for her so I held out my arm so she could grab on and catch her breath. She looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Are you a mommy to kids?”

I smiled at the question and said, “No.”

“Oh..” she said, “So you’re a college student.”

For that little girl apparently those were my only two options… a mother or a college student. It happened that she was right, I was a college student, but I couldn’t help thinking of all the life stages that would come between college and motherhood that she seemed to skip over.

Our kids on same bridge

That was many years ago. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like that long ago. In our time in the states we’ve seen some of our old college friends and we sort of cringe as we realize how many years ago college really was.

Then there was this weekend. We went back to our college town in Vermont. Our weekend filled up quickly as we reconnected with different people we hadn’t seen in many years. We reached out to the group on campus that we were apart of… we ate at the cafeteria with our three kids and then shared with the college students at their weekly meeting. Many things had changed. New construction, new security, new lingo to refer to places and programs.  All the college kids would stare as our three little kids passed by (a rarity on campus).

At the same time many things felt completely the same. We flashed back 15 years to being in those rooms and walking those same paths. Even some of the concerns and struggles that were happening campus-wide and with individual students felt very familiar.

We shared with 4 different groups while in Vermont— including people ranging from international college students to a 90 year old Vermonter. But as it turned out, what we were sharing didn’t really change that much from group to group. It struck me how the same messages continue to teach us and challenge us no matter the time and place. God is consistent and He is moving everywhere. His message and challenge to us on the islands can resonate with anyone willing to hear it because the human condition doesn’t fundamentally change even if the weather, culture, stage of life, language, time and community are different.

Catching first snowflakes of the year

We spent formative years in that town in Vermont and in some ways we still miss it. At the same time these years can be just as formative. The challenge to reach out in love and truth to the people around us still stands—be they college students or islanders or old time Vermonters!

PRAYERS ANSWERED
Our teammate made it safely back to Clove Island and got her visa right away with only a single set of visits to the appropriate offices! That is record time not even considering the recent tension over visas on the neighboring island. Thanks for praying! We’re thankful that Megan’s back is doing so much better— physical therapy and talking to specialists continue, but her pain is way down. We’re so thankful for our long weekend in Vermont— we got to see a bunch of people that we weren’t even expecting to see. Lots of good conversation and plus there was our first real snow!

PRAYERS REQUESTED
We feel our to-do list mounting as the weeks tick down to our scheduled return to the islands. It overwhelms us sometimes. Pray that we would be able to keep on top of our to-do list and be good stewards of our time. We just sent all our kids’ passports in for renewal— pray that we get those back in a timely manner. We’re still waiting on some options to get a second surgical opinion for Megan’s back— pray that is figured out so we can make decisions and move forward. We’re hoping to get David’s speech evaluated so we can be better equipped to help him when we return to the islands (his language is doing a lot better but he is still playing catch-up from his hearing issues). Pray for our teammate on Clove Island as she settles back into island life and language and as she looks for just the right living situation.